omg y’all, i have blog posts stored everywhere ! i have them saved in the drafts section of my wordpress app, in the notes app on my phone, and on microsoft word on my broken laptop. i knew i had a bunch of posts that never spoke to me enough to share with y’all stored, but what i didn’t know i had stored were the feelings that triggered me to write them.
while trying to finish my friendship post that i wanted to share with y’all tonight, i came across a post i started in march in regards to heartbreak. i talked about my reckless heartbreak and my painful heartbreak, and i talked about how i needed to experience heartbreak again. the blog was no where near finished, but i had this sentence bolded at the bottom.
i need it because this bullshit of two people dancing around their feelings for each other has my mental state all over the place.
the “it” i was referring to was that third heartbreak i wanted to feel, and that sentence hit me harder now than it did when i was writing it. it hit me harder now because it’s still relevant.
my original post was written with so much anger, i could read it in the words. i talked about my reckless heartbreak at 15, my painful heartbreak at 20, and how i was waiting on that third heartbreak because i needed it, that’s all i kept saying was i needed it.
BUT I DON’T NEED A DAMN THANGG !!
this bullshit of two people dancing around their feelings for each other still makes my brain hurt when i think about what they’re putting one another through, but i don’t need to let it mess with my menty.
the truth is that back in march i wanted another heartbreak because i wanted to feel some sort of love from someone else. i wanted to know that i was still dateable and i wanted that heartbreak so bad because it meant someone was into me. and once it was over it meant i would have someone to blame for my pain.
but if i’ve learned anything this summer it’s that i don’t need a dude to feel that love and i sure as hell don’t have any pain to blame on someone else. if i’ve learned anything this summer it’s that i’m the only person i can blame for feeling that way back in march, and i was the only person who could’ve possibly pulled myself out of that funk. and i’m so glad i did !
i’ve literally spent so much time this summer just telling dudes no. i’ve spent so much time engaging in pointless conversations with dudes who don’t want anything serious with me and yet miss me when i don’t give in to their games. i honestly gave up ! i stopped letting these dudes control my mood and i’ve been so freaking happy this summer!
i’ve seen more changes with my health over the last month than i did during the month of may when i was constantly working out. by avoiding negativity, only eating when i’m hungry and not when i’m stressed, and loving myself has given me all the power i’ve ever needed.
i love who i am. i love the life i live. i love the people i’m constantly surrounding myself with. and i love the boys who know what i’m about this summer and respect that i’m not playing their games while i work on me. i love alladat !!
i know who tells me they miss me and actually mean it. i know who comes around only because they see me doing better. and i know who will hit me up while i’m out on the weekends. i’ve learned the schedules of some of these peeps i thought were my friends and they hit me up like clockwork when they see me shining.
i’ve learned that i’m a freaking star, honestly. i’ve learned that i don’t have anything to prove to anyone. and i’ve learned that i’ve got about 3 bff’s who gas me when needed and a lot of new friends i cannot wait to grow with.
while the bullshit of two people dancing around their feelings for each other still shakes me, i’m not letting myself be one of those people anymore.
i’m choosing to continue being a star, continue living my best life, and continue to love myself this summa because that’s what i’m all about !