okay, okay, okay y’all ! this post has been a long time coming but it’s here now and i’m sure it will send some of y’all running! i hope ya run towards the best you and not the you we both know you’re better than, but change takes time and time happens to be why i’m writing this right now.
about 3 1/2 weeks ago i wrote a letter. i wrote a letter to a friend who told me he was moving to south carolina. the second paragraph starts off by saying, “if you’re reading this that means i won’t know when or if i’ll hear from you again.” i was worried his move would change our friendship. i held on to the hope that we were still going to talk while he was gone, i was wrong. the letter contained so much more, it’s 3 pages! i told him about my sweet grandpa and the battle he was going through at the time. his life constantly consisting of hospitals and doctors appointments really put the concept of time into perspective for me. we truly will never know how much time the ones we care about have left until it’s too late! on the end of the second page i wrote, “you told me timing is crucial and i didn’t believe it until now.” well, my time with my grandpa ran out last thursday and he wouldn’t know because my time with him ran out 3 days after i wrote the letter.
but he never saw the letter, because he didn’t care enough to pick up his gift before he left the state. how fucking crazy !!
why would i compare my grandfather’s death to my time with someone i thought was a friend? well, they are completely different but i’m learning the same thing … life will go on.
as much as i wish my family could live forever, i know it’s the circle of life. our grandparents and parents will eventually leave us to be in a better place and that’s what is supposed to happen. when i found out that my grandpa died last thursday i spent the entire morning crying on and off! my family was able to see him the day before, but i had to work so i couldn’t go. i felt like i never really got to say goodbye, but how often does that really work out?
i felt similar about the situation with this friend!! he up and moved without saying goodbye. empty promises that he will reach out in june when he visits were lingering in my head. i must of read that stupid letter a dozen times, and believe it or not i can’t find it in myself to throw his gift away. it sits on the floor by the trash can and serves as a reminder … i never got to say goodbye, but for some reason it was making me stronger !
i was stronger because i was learning new things about how to spend my time after being mad for so long thinking that i’d wasted some of it on this “friend”.
you see, i think my family and i were all prepared for my grandpa’s death … it was coming eventually and everyone was trying to see him as often as they could. it’s never going to be easy to lose a family member and i have spent more time thinking about his life over the last week than i probably ever have in my life. but isn’t that what usually happens ?
i wasn’t prepared to lose another friend though. he didn’t have a reason to leave, just disappeared because he could. i’d like to believe he was scared because someone cared about him, but i don’t dwell on the “why” of it anymore.
both of these experiences taught me that instead of cherishing the time i have with those i truly care about, i’m wasting it chasing those who will never care about me. i’m putting time into those who don’t deserve it because they’ll never be able to match my energy. but this summer is changing me …
i said at the beginning that change takes time, but when you see it and feel it happening within yourself and some of your closest friends, the time seems to fly by ! when i chose to dedicate this summer to my health and happiness, i saw the changes happening right away ! the pictures of me show genuine smiles (example is the one used for this blog), not forced and fake for instagram likes. my energy is rubbing off on my friends who see the changes through a text message. believe it or not, my mind is in the right place now and i’m only 4 weeks into this change.
i know that i’m truly feeling happy again and i can see it every single day. i’m happy for this friend and his move. i think he needed it to find himself. i’m happy that my grandpa is in a better place. i’m sad i won’t get to see him on this earth anymore, but i know his pain has been lifted and it’s a beautiful thing to know he’s no longer suffering. and i’m happy that i feel happy for both of them …
… if i didn’t i would spend so much time thinking of how i could’ve seen both of them more and that’s exactly what i don’t need to do. i can’t go back and change my relationship with my grandpa or this friend now, so i can’t upset myself by thinking i can.
i’ve been challenging myself to focus on what i can change. i’m focusing on what type of energy i put into my body, the food i choose to eat has an interesting impact on my mood. i’m focusing on my fitness. working out is still a slow process for me, but i’m focusing on not pushing myself past my limit. i’m challenging myself to be more educated. i’m focusing on more reading and less screen time, more current news and less celebrity drama. i’m focusing on what makes me happy and i challenge every person reading this to do the same.
i’m choosing to focus my time and energy into the yellow aspects of my life. the sun on a hot summer day, the tennis balls involved in playing the only sport i’ve stuck with my entire life, and the dandelions in the field by my house. i’m focusing on the yellow and avoiding the gray … you should focus on your yellow and your happiness might stem from it ! the yellow tends to brighten my day and i hope from that i can brighten someone else’s day as well !
it’s sad that it took losing people to help me realize this, but like i said and will keep saying … change takes time and i’m choosing to change in order to make the most of mine.