90% of the time when i overthink a situation it ends exactly how i expected it to. 90% of the time when people tell me to get out of my head, i tell them just wait and you’ll see.
knowing who to cut off and knowing when to cut them off are two different concepts. it took me until april to realize that it is in fact 2018, but now that i know i believe my cut off game is strong. i’ve spent the last three months being tossed like a salad from one boy to the next. each one adding a different ingredient to the mix; one will add drama and the other will add lies. i throw around “i hate you” every now and then and i don’t feel an ounce of remorse when i say it. i never want to hate anyone, but that happens to be the only emotion i’m sure of right now. one ingredient that was never added was reassurance.
i know who i am as a person. i know who i am right now, and who i would like to be in the future. i know where i want to end up and what my perfect little family would look like. however, plans change all the time and who i would like to be might change tomorrow. one thing that won’t change though is the confidence i have in myself that has taken 21 years to perfect. i no longer spew hateful words towards myself, i instead try to point out the positives. i embrace the fact that i can go weeks without washing my hair and feel okay, and i embrace the fact that my outfits never match. i know how to reassure myself that what i’m feeling now will pass, and i haven’t come this far to move backwards. not a single one of the boys who decided to toss me like a salad was reassuring my identity.
that is when i woke the fuck up and realized i needed to embrace 2018. i needed to snap out of whatever spell i was under and start living like the girl i knew i truly was.
i like to think i’ve turned off the part of my body that allows me to have feelings for boys, but the truth is i don’t think i have the power to do that. i do have the power to see them for exactly who they are though, and that is what is fueling my energy right now. i’m choosing to see every person i come across for who they are because i am so tired of giving everyone the benefit of the doubt to only get hurt in the end. i’m waking up my mind and allowing it to sync with my heart. no more “following my heart” unless i’m chasing my dreams and not chasing boys.
i like to think i’ve turned off the part of my body that allows me to love, but the truth is that i love everything so deeply and that will never change. i love my mama and my siblings, my friends and my teammates, and i can’t help it. i choose to see the best in people instead of watching their repetitive actions and bad habits. i love learning about the weird quirks of those around me and while learning to love those i tend to grow to love the person! but i’m sick and tired of boys mistaking my genuine love for their presence as a human on this earth as me being in love with them. if the words “i’m in love with you” never escape from between my lips then chances are you’re thinking way too highly of yourself. i’ll fall in love with iced coffee all over again before i fall in love with you.
i’ve awaken myself from the slumber i slipped into these last three months and i’ve come to realize that i’ve been letting so many people take advantage of who i am. i’m losing sight of myself and everything i’ve established that makes me truly me. and that is really the point of this entire blog right now.
the purpose of what i write here is to embrace exactly who you are and every little thing you think is broken about you. and here i am, the girl who started it all, being so hypocritical. i have not been able to write since the end of february and i fully understand now that it is because i wasn’t practicing what i preached. i was trying to help y’all and i wasn’t helping myself. but now that i’m not sleeping on 2018 anymore, i’m here to live the life i’m trying to get y’all to live.
i’m not here to say that i will completely cut every boy that i meet off, but i am here to say that i’m not afraid to. i will stop hesitating to do it at the first sign of something going wrong and i will grab the scissors without second thoughts. i’m sure i’ll come across a few more who add toxic ingredients to the salad they think i am, but i’m covered now. i’ve put the lid on being tossed around and while their lies might seep through, they don’t get to become a permanent part of me anymore.
i’m not afraid to say that i know i will make more mistakes, and that i will probably let another dumb boy hurt me in the near future, but i am here to say i’m changing the way i handle it. if i’ve already seen you for who you are, it’ll be easier for me not to hate you when it’s all said and done. i’ll probably see it coming, even if i deny it, and it’ll make both of our lives so interesting in the long run. hell, maybe we’ll even stay friends after everything hits the fan … ya never know.
it’s only taken me 3 months and a few extra late nights with margo to understand that it actually is 2018. it’s taken a few heart to heart conversations with the black angels, and a case of beer or two too many, but i’ve finally arrived. i’m stepping up to the line and i have home court advantage.
so welcome to 2018! april 5th is the “new” new year!
smile at those who hate you. laugh with those who make your name famous. cry with those who love. but never be afraid to embrace who you are with everything that you’ve got.
i’ve laced up, tossed the tossed salad safely in my fridge, and i’m determined to make the rest of 2018 be an undefeated season. i finally got my mind right and this taylor is capable of doing whatever it takes to be the best version of me.