a promise to change

“When he glances at me, I turn away and stare out the window. I’m blushing and I don’t want him to see. I’m blushing because I don’t want to meet hot people. All I want is Nathan, and that is embarrassing. It’s shameful, too, because I hope against hope that Nathan doesn’t want to meet hot people either.”

Love & Other Theories (page 163)

i’m afraid to fall in love, it’s another one of my many broken pieces. i’m afraid to fall in love, yet i am obsessed with the idea of love. i’m in love with love and everything it entails. for some reason, i am terrified of it at the same time.

i’m afraid to be vulnerable with someone else when i’ve become so comfortable being independent me.

i’m okay going to a coffee shop or a restaurant and sitting alone in silence. i’m okay with getting in my car and going on a late night drive by myself. i’m okay arriving to class without my best friend by my side. i’m okay sitting next to people i don’t know and not saying a single word. life has worked for me this way. but i have to be okay with all of this, right?

i’m afraid of love living in a time when finding it seems so scarce. when our generation is okay with meeting a new boy or girl every weekend and falling asleep in their bed later that night, hell i’m okay with that. i’m afraid of love living in a time when admitting we have feelings for someone is embarrassing. we know it won’t end in the way we’d hoped. we’ll be left on read for far too long, traded out for the next best thing, or blindsided when the person we were with begins dating someone else. blindsided by the fact that apparently we weren’t good enough for them to date, but good enough to string along for a few weekends out of the semester. does it suck? absolutely! is it hard to live the same day over and over again with a different person? most definitely! and we act so tough, but deep down we hope we meet someone different, someone that changes us …

… until we actually do, and we run from something that could be amazing!

we run because each one of us has a slight fear of missing out (fomo, of course!). we run because we know that if we commit to just one person the weekends don’t seem like they’d be as fun. we think we won’t be able to drink too much at the pregame, and dance too hard on the tables or counters at parties. we run because at the end of the night, we want to go home with a stranger. we’d rather wake up the next morning, get breakfast with our friends, and try to piece together what actually happened than wake up next to the person we’re falling for.

but i think i’m done living this way.

on friday night, han forced me out of bed to hangout with her. she had a boy coming over and she wanted me to meet him. unwilling to disappoint this girl no matter how tired and sick i felt, i took a blanket and moved from my cozy bed to our couch. beer in hand, i was socializing with my eyes closed and trying not to puke. but then han did the craziest thing by telling me she had a gift for me and pulled a ring from her coat pocket. a ring she of course slid on to the ring finger on my right hand, but two seconds later i’d moved it to my left hand. she wifed me up, and frankly i was glad someone finally did. as i posted it on my snap story and showed it to anyone in the apartment that night, i couldn’t help but laugh. her small gesture went a longer way than i think she ever expected.

the next day we told both of our parents we were engaged. they did nothing but laugh us off and refer to us as crazy in the best way possible. but then hannah sent this very text to her mom …

“it’s a promise that when all the fuck boys let her down or hurt her, i will always be there to pick her up.”

… get yourselves a han, i swear it’ll change your life. this ring went from being a joke gift, something she’d found, to a serious sign i needed in my life.

i think i’m done living the life our generation created because i’m ready for something different. i’m waiting for the one willing to get to know my crazy. the one willing to see my worth and never lose sight of it. the one who knows that once he lets me go, i’m at risk of finding someone who knew how great i was all along. i’m at risk of finding someone who will know me better than han does, and someone willing to tell people i changed their life like she isn’t afraid to do! i’m waiting for the one who years from now will replace the ring han gave me, with one he picked out instead.

i’m done living this life because it’s causing me to lose sight of the life i know i deserve. i’m done living this life because i never again want to feel the way brey does when she’s talking about nathan in love & other theories. i’m done living this life because as scared of love as i am, i never want to feel embarrassed when i know i’ve found it.

and this blog post, the ring on my finger, and my best friend are my promises to myself that i’m truly done. when you want something you have to go after it, right? this is my way of going after what i want. to anyone reading this who is tired of living life this way, this is my promise to you that you aren’t alone if you’re done with it too. it takes one person to make a difference, and as afraid of love as i am i’m also madly in love with love, so i’ll be that one person … and that’s a promise.

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