wake up , work out , stress less , eat clean … just four things among a long list that i’m trying out to make myself happier. a long list of things to keep me busy so i don’t constantly think about the what ifs.
but then my head hits the pillow, i’m scrolling through facebook and i see your new profile picture. she’s a very pretty girl, but she’s not me. i think about the night i called you crying from a bar bathroom and you refused to answer, but you were texting me thirty seconds before. i think about the long conversations when i thought it was okay to be vulnerable and up and suddenly you ghosted me. i think about what could’ve happened between us if you let me be her, if you took the risk on me that you took on her. the us there could’ve been is in the past. i try to think happy thoughts …
… the next morning i go for a run.
the pain in my legs and feet heavily outweighs the pain in my chest i felt when you made me feel like i was not good enough. but suddenly old dominion comes on and i’m feeling the pain all over the place. i start doing something i hate, i start overthinking while i’m running and i have to stop …
… there is another one of you.
you’ve invaded my solitary space. i sit and i push you out. i push out the questions i have for myself, for you, for god. i sit and i listen to the lyrics and i laugh. old dominion sang it best , “you won’t say the words that i want but you flirt when you’re drinking.” drunk you always treated me like you might’ve actually cared.
the us there could’ve been is very much in the present. you’re not the first boy to ghost me and you won’t be the last. however, you were the first boy to puke in my bed and i’ll never forget that. and then you were the first boy i spent 2 hours with in the bathroom at 3am because you were sick. you were the first boy that invited me to game night with your family. you were the first boy to openly sing with me in the car. you were the first boy i openly admitted to having feelings for in a very long time.
you removed yourself from my life before i even had the chance to get to know you for who you really were. the two weekends i dragged your ass to bed must’ve been too stressful for you. the mess i had to clean up must’ve grossed you out. the empty fridge i had to restock must’ve been too expensive for you. i guess you just weren’t ready. funny because i wasn’t asking you to marry me, just open up to me. just be vulnerable and let me in, but you couldn’t even do that.
so now there is two of you. one is happily engaged in another relationship, one is doing only god knows what. there is only one of me. i’m running again, lifting again, going to church again, eating salads again, i’m bettering myself for the next one of you.
i’m sure you two won’t be the last boys to treat me like a pawn in your game because you definitely were not the first two. i’ll be ready the next time. i won’t ask lots of questions because you think that’s weird. i won’t tell you i love country music because i don’t want you to ruin my favorite songs. i won’t tell you about my problems because you can’t help me fix them.
i will lace up and run towards new solutions. i’m strong enough to fix my own problems and you can watch. you can watch me play games with the hearts of the next boys because that’s how you left me. shaken and insecure in who to trust. you left me stronger than you found me, but only because i’m smart enough to not show the next boy my broken pieces that you ran away from. i’m smart enough to pay attention to all the signs he throws my way. i chose to ignore yours and you played me. i’m smart enough to know my worth.
there might be ten more of you, but eventually one diamond will shine brighter than the rest and he’s the one i’m waiting for. he will embrace my broken parts instead of running from them. he will reply to my texts and answer my phone calls. he will listen to what i say and know what i really mean because he knows me. i will let him know me. he will want to know me for all that i am, all that i’m worth.
i’m waiting for the diamond who will dance with me in the kitchen and buy me chicken nuggets at 2 in the morning. i’m waiting for him because i deserve that. you deserve that, we all deserve a diamond. we all deserve someone to care and love us like we’ve never been loved before, even those who played us in the past. it’s 2018, everyone deserves to be happy.
it’s 2018 and crying over boys no longer seems relevant. it’s 2018 and running miles past boys seems like a better option. i’m running to leave the stupid ones in the past. i’m running because it makes me happy. i’m running towards a better future and i’m leaving you behind. i’m running towards my diamond and one day i hope you find yours.